Releasing Her Podcast
Ready for healing? Find inspiration as Ola Moore has turned her pain into purpose. Gain insight into the power of vulnerability and the importance of sharing personal stories. Connect and relate with her as she embarks on a personal journey of exploration and growth.
Releasing Her Podcast
Healing Through Heartache: The loss of L.J.
What if the pain of loss could teach us profound lessons about healing and resilience? Join me, Ola Moore, as I share my deeply personal journey through the shadows of grief following the tragic death of my brother, Larry, due to a drug overdose.
In this heartfelt episode, we also tackle the intricate family dynamics that shaped my brother's life and struggles.
I reflect on how his quest for acceptance led him down the path of petty crime and drug use, exacerbated by a transactional relationship with our mom.
Together, we explore the urgency of accountability and courage in preventing such tragedies, emphasizing how small acts of kindness and responsibility can alter the course of young lives.
I invite you to reflect on the profound impact your actions could have on safeguarding the futures of your loved ones.
My name is Ola Moore and you're listening to Releasing Her. Join me as I share my journey of overcoming trauma, the power of resilience and self-discovery. My hope is to encourage and empower one to not give up. Are you ready to heal and reclaim your power? If so, let's be vulnerable and grow together. As we are Releasing Her. Welcome back to the Releasing Her podcast. I'm Olamore.
Speaker 2:I'm in the process of discussing the losses that I've had over the last several years, and today I'm going to share my experiences with the loss and grief that I've dealt with personally, it helps.
Speaker 1:my words will help someone who has gone through something similar. Or maybe just someone you know, sent this to you and thought it could help. Today I'm going to talk about the loss of my brother. His name was Larry. After my dad, most of us just called him LJ or Larry J. July 23rd 2021, from a drug overdose. He was only 42. He wasn't married or had any kids. To my knowledge, to the world when he passed, he was just another young black man that died from drugs.
Speaker 2:that died from drugs to those that knew him, and I want you to know that he was a son, a brother and a loving uncle. He was an artist, a great cook. He loved music. He was so talented. He was one of those people. I tell everybody that he can make anything with his hands. The loss of my brother is what actually pushed me to go get counseling. I remember the day I got the news I was still in the trenches of mourning my dad. We were still suffering from the effects of COVID and how the lockdown affected all of us. My mom was unfortunately still up to her old tricks and at this point I had blocked her just to get some peace of mind. I strived so hard to maintain what peace I had blocked her just to get some peace of mind. I strive so hard to maintain what peace I had gotten and I decided to keep basically keep her at arm's length because I refuse to deal with the crazy voicemails and nasty text messages.
Speaker 2:So every so often with that, I would go into my text messages. So every so often with that I would go into my text messages, the blog ones, about once a month to see if there was anything important. I just couldn't do it daily and I just got tired of the foolishness and, with me, having MS.
Speaker 2:I have to keep my stress level down and she definitely was a trigger for me. I told people many times when I first got diagnosed that I refused to allow what I had to deal with with my mom to put me in a wheelchair. So one day I had seen a block call come through from her.
Speaker 2:Then I seen a missed call from my sister and I actually thought, and I tell my friends, I thought my sister had butted out me because I had not seen or spoken to her at that point since my dad's service and it had been almost three years. Yes, she actually called me and when she called, she didn't follow up with a text message or a voicemail, so that's why my conclusion was like, okay, she just butt called me.
Speaker 1:She didn't want anything and basically called me by mistake.
Speaker 2:And by both of them calling my mindset. You have to think for me the way my brother lived his last few years. I thought he had got arrested again and they wanted to put my family home up for bail. At this point I was upset because my mom, she just never allowed my brother to be accountable for his actions, you know. So I had in my mind. I was like, look, I'm going to put my foot down and I'm going to force him to grow up. I felt like I needed to allow him to go to jail, and if I had to say so, it was going to happen this time.
Speaker 2:And in my thought process I was like okay, if he is actually able to go to jail this time he'll get the help he needs, especially rehab. It wasn't until I got the call from two of my cousins on my dad's side that I actually started to worry. This was not the norm, you know. I called both of them back and this is how I got the news. My older cousin advised that she had a conversation with my sister. Funny, my sister felt more comfortable talking to her than her own flesh and blood. That hurts. I'm still disturbed to this day that, you know, my sister felt more comfortable doing that and she couldn't even leave me a message. Unfortunately, that's my life. To me it feels like my mom and sibling have been shutting me out for years and they couldn't hurt my dad directly, but I was the next best thing. So when my cousin called me and she explained what happened, I was not surprised.
Speaker 2:I have explained to a lot of people that the phone call that I got that day I literally have been waiting on years to get. I don't know how it feels as a parent, but as a sibling or just a child in the house it's so traumatic to live with someone and you're always expecting the other shoe to drop, and it's hard, even now, to let go of that and you always feel like something's bad, it's going to happen. I remember, even when I left home for college, my dad would call me to check on me and I always had this anxiety Of just answering the phone. I would pause and think the worst. I would think that, okay, this is the call. You know I'm going to pick up the phone and hear my dad say your brother's been shot or your brother's been killed. It got to the point where I found myself making distance between my brother and myself Because I just didn't want the extra stress. I think even my brother knew he had inquired about getting his own place and actually purchasing a house at some point, and he told me out of his own mouth that he never thought that far ahead because he was surprised that he was still alive.
Speaker 2:So back to receiving the news of my brother's death. I couldn't even allow myself to be saddened because I was angry more than anything. You see, I know that my brother's drug use had been a cry for help for many years and recently, to numb the pain, what should have been a time for mourning for me was just pure anger. I was, and I'm still upset that my mom cuddled my brother so many times. I'm angry because she wouldn't allow him, her little precious son, to spend time in jail, or prison for that matter. Looking back, I don't think she even allowed him to stay in jail more than 48 hours, from what I can recall and that's the instances I know about and on the other hand, you know it's just him going to jail. But God knew best.
Speaker 2:You know, the loss of my brother was not as traumatic as losing my father, or even my niece, for that matter, and I think for anyone that can sadly relate to this, dealing with someone who has abused drugs, you know personally. For me, dealing with someone who has abused drugs, you know personally. For me, the person who they are starts dying months or even years before their body physically expires. I still haven't fully grieved like I should have, but those days do come.
Speaker 2:The shell of a man that died wasn't my brother, and I know that the drugs had changed him. I think I grieve for him more now than I did when he actually died. Unfortunately for me, good memories can also be triggers and I had to learn that it was okay to give myself permission to cry when that happens when my brother died. I was still, like I said before, dealing with that depression and that grief Of losing my father. It wasn't as bad. I thought it was manageable and it was the timing and the circumstances Three years. And he was the timing and the circumstances Three years and he was gone too. My brother and I, we both took my dad's death real hard.
Speaker 2:Personally, I leaned on my faith and I tried to manage Speaking with friends and family and when I could open up, I did my brother Colt the way he had learned to the last few years before his death. He got high and he got involved in high risk situations. That's, he got high and he got involved in high-risk situations. That's what happened. You know, I grew up in a house where my dad was that traditional man. He was head of the household. He was head of the household. He was our rock. He was trying to raise my brother to be that in some way, to be the man and to be able to step into something were to happen to him. You know, make that transition.
Speaker 2:And I look back now and even thinking about it. You know, both of them are gone. You know, just thinking about the reality any more men in my family and it's disheartening. I feel abandoned and unprotected. Those days come when it's like you know, know, who am I going to call when I need help? Who's going to give me instruction or advice about my car or remind me how? You know, a real man should act with me, towards me, and, sadly, if I were to get buried, I feel like I would have to walk down the aisle alone. My kids wouldn't have a grandpa or uncle. My brother's death makes me so angry still. My brother's death makes me so angry still Because and I tell my therapist, you know my brother didn't have to die the way he died. His story could have gone another way. Most creative people are so creative and they're very sensitive and, like my brother, they live life hard and they also take tragedy and trauma just as hard. That was him, that was LJ. But you know there's an old saying there's smoke, there's fire. And when my brother died I I saw a smoke cloud and that smoke got thicker and I knew I was in trouble. I didn't want to look up one day and have my world falling apart. So I took the initiative and did some research and I found a therapist. And looking back, it's kind of silly now, because I remember when I first called her my first one, my first therapist, and I was so called and it's just creepy and I know that child inside me, my inner self, was crying out to get some help and I'm glad I listened. You know, I tried my best to cope with my dad's death, but when my brother died I was like, okay, I don't know if I can deal with this, because now this is a lot and my brother's death reopened that wound. I thought that was healing and at that point point he was like Okay, I'm not only dealing with One death, and that was two. And I knew I needed some help and I I thank God that I even had the courage To do that.
Speaker 2:I know a lot of people some I know and a lot of people in the African American community. They look down on therapy. Or if you're listening and you're scared or think that you just don't need it, I pray. I know some of you may be listening, like you know, pray it away. But God, you, I believe God gives us tools and therapy is one of those tools. You just can't pray everything away. It's one of those tools. You just can't pray everything away. And I know, and I truly believe that God gives us discernment. So when we pray, that he puts people in our lives To help us. And that's how I look at therapy, my therapist.
Speaker 2:So now when people ask me you know what happened to my brother, and I just say you know, modest, he didn't survive. You know, because unfortunately in our society, you know, people think, oh, someone overdoses, they go to the hospital and get revived, but he didn't make it. His death wasn't for me a one-off situation where he decided to party and he just happened to get a hold of something bad. My brother, he honestly could be that poster child for drug abuse progression. You know, it started off small for him when he was a teenager Smoking weed and over the years he needed something Stronger, something to get him high quicker. And a lot of people Believe that weed Is that gateway drug. And that was the case for my brother. And don't get me wrong, I know a lot of people that, quote-unquote, dabbled with weed when we were younger and it didn't affect them the same way like it did my brother. I would say that, unfortunately for my brother, starting out doing drugs was the perfect storm because his addiction and later death were fruit of the seeds of broken dreams for him and the selfishness of my mom. This may not be the story of someone that you know, but a lot of times people, especially children, young people struggling and dealing with issues just listen to them, especially if you find them doing drugs they're asking for your help. So right now I feel like the best way for me to honor my brother's death is to explain how he got to where he was. So I just maybe you could listen to this and help someone you know that may be in that same situation.
Speaker 2:I look back and I remember the struggles my brother had in school. You know, outside of school he was a regular, normal kid. My brother actually had a learning disability normal kid. My brother actually had a learning disability and as a child I didn't know exactly what the issue was, but I know he had difficulty reading. I remember our dad had gotten him excited about reading so he got him some comic books the spider-man and Supermanman and it was a way for my brother to actually enjoy reading, enjoy doing something that he struggled doing. It did make him want to read because he wanted to know, of course, what's going to happen next. And I remember my mom throwing away his comic books. I don't know why she did it and but it hurt him. And to remember and look back and you know, see that little, that light in him kinda go dim and eventually go out.
Speaker 2:But my dad, he still try, you know, to get my brother the help he needed outside of school and doing things for him and reaching out to people he knew.
Speaker 2:And unfortunately my mom declined because she didn't want people to think that something was wrong with my brother. She was so worried about what other people thought that it got in the way what was best for him. And I look back now and that little small action basically snowballed and my brother just fell further behind as the years went by. I remember him wanting to play football but again his grades were not up to par and that was another dream killed. But my daddy didn't give up on him and through the years he continued. He continued to try to get my brother's help and like clockwork my mom, she would either try or secede and undo everything my dad was trying to do. My dad used to say that every time he made a headway with my brother my mom's actions would take him a few steps back. So my brother's school and home life were like night and day. In school he struggled. He wasn't with his peers in some classes and I know that hurt him, but he really did try. He would ask for my help with his homework outside of school.
Speaker 2:My brother was somebody, because in the streets, unfortunately, they of course welcomed him with open arms, the people he hung out with. They didn't judge him on his academics, and I get it. Everybody wants to belong to something you know, be a part of something. So petty crimes, stealing it, just it just went natural. And I look back down, that too were cries for help from my brother. I remember my brother and I and my mom, we were at this grocery store and my brother tried to steal a pack of cigarettes and the security guard had watched him do it and my brother denied it and my mom was in the store just cussing and fussing about you know, you're trying to accuse my son of doing this and it was off and I just stood there and then the security officer grabbed him and pulled the cigarettes out my brother's pocket. My mom just stood there, she didn't fuss at my brother and it just amazes me how she just always defended him. I think in some way she knew she created that Demi, that demon, that demon. You know, I understand that the bond between a son and a mother is special and as my brother got older he missed that.
Speaker 2:My personal opinion, you know, let me step back. I say that because the way I feel and felt, you know, in my 20s and in my 30s about my mom, my brother felt the same way, you know, we would sit down and share stories. And in my 30s, about my mom, my brother felt the same way, you know, we would sit down to share stories about her and complain, and I just think he just wanted to be around her, have that mom and, yeah, me personally, I think, in order to actually deal with my mom, to hang around her and be around her. Drugs was the way he was able to do that, to help him cope. And, unfortunately, my brother, he did what drug addicts do. He did whatever he needed to do to get high on the surface. A lot of times, you know, it appears that he went to my parents house to check on her, check on them, and it just wasn't that way with him. My parents actually had to give my brother, you know, money just to come see them and I guess that for them it was a way for them to, you know, lay eyes on him, even though in reality I don't think he would have went down there, but you know he needed the money to get high, so that was an incentive for him. That was an incentive for him and sadly, the relationship between my mom and my brother just became transactional and since she had the money, it kind of made her be my brother's puppet master, if that makes sense. I just and it makes me angry because I feel like she took advantage of him being addicted to drugs because she knew, okay, I got this money and as long as I got this money I can make him do whatever I want and he's going to come see me and it's just, it's sickening to me.
Speaker 2:So, getting back to his actual death is, I was actually told that when the police went to my mother's house, you know, and they told him, you know, we found your brother and it appears that he died of a drug overdose. And from my understanding, they asked my mom if my brother actually did drugs and once again, in denial, in her pride to make my brother look like this saint, you know, because that was her son, she told him no, my son doesn't do drugs. You know he may smoke a little weed every once in a while, here and there. You know he may smoke a little weed every once in a while, here and there, and I just really think that she denied everything Because she was not 100% the reason, but she was a part of why and how my brother became what he was, who he was, and she had to live with that. She really did and I know when he died and after my brother's death that guilt stayed with her because the one person you know that was supposedly so loyal to her her little baby boy was gone because she helped him get high. She gave him money him get high. She gave him money to get high. She didn't talk about it. I didn't talk to her. I don't know what was going through her hair, but I know she paid for that. She put herself probably in her own little jail and I had to wear a lot on her, knowing you know she helped kill her baby boy and personally I think the stress of that killed her.
Speaker 2:So when it's my brother actually died, I didn't attend his funeral. I had seen him maybe like a year before he died and he was so frail and skinny. I remember hugging my brother and I could feel all his bones, his collarbone and his ribs. I felt like I was hugging a skeleton. He was already dead. He was just, you know, floating around doing what he do, and I didn't want to see him like that, in that casket just, and that was a year before, so I can imagine what he looked like. I didn't want to have to put myself through that because even thinking about it now makes me sick to my stomach and I also I didn't want to Go to that service and sit there and pretend like everything was okay. No one, you know For me.
Speaker 2:My mom did that. She did that to him. She didn't make him smoke, crack or make him, you know, inject whatever drugs he was doing or snort the cocaine, but she was no better than the drug dealer that was supplying it because, like I said before, she gave him the money. And I'm just not. I'm not that type of person that can just sit there and pretend. So once again, I stayed away and kept my peace. I remember the day of the funeral I had downloaded all these songs. My brother loved rap music growing up. I remember when we used to get ready for school and he would blast. You know how he loved Wu-Tang Clan, the NWA, ice Cube, and that was my service. I just sat at my house and listened to the music that he liked and tried to draw to remember him that way. I say to whoever is listening to this whether you're a family member, close friend, a teacher, a co-worker.
Speaker 2:Don't give up on that child. You see struggling, a teacher, a co-worker. Don't give up on that child. You see struggling. And I go back to my brother's disability and it's just Help him Any way you can, because something that small, when you kill that dream or you kill that joy, that hope in a child, it doesn't take take much to go in the opposite direction. And if you see him acting out, alright, trust me, it's to get your attention. Every time they tear up something or break the rules, yell them back. They are asking you for help and sometimes you know you have to let them face the face the consequences and that's the only way that it's going to get better.
Speaker 2:I know there's no guarantee, but it's worth the alternative. It's worth not having your child or your family member die the way my brother died. Please have the courage to hold them accountable. And I want you to ask yourself is me feeling embarrassed, is my pride more important than saving this person's life or this child's life? You know it might be. If they are young it may seem so simple, right, but trust me, years down the road that look at the kindness you going the extra mile Could save them. These, oh, they could have been so different From my brother, so different.
Speaker 2:And I just don't want to see that happen like I had to see that happen and it hurts. Miss you, LJ. I really miss you.